the clock on my desktop says it’s 1:07am. in 8 hours, i’ll be squeezing myself into the MRT amidst hundreds of people fighting the rush hour. in 11 hours, i’ll be in my dark blue blazer sandwiched in between my boss and a prospected client who sounds like some comedian from the 90s. in 12 hours, i’ll be torn apart between staying slim and keeping my fat wallet or grabbing a cholesterol-filled fried chicken in Ministop and feeding my whim. in 48 hours, i’ll be thousands of kilometers away from where i am today, soaking myself under the sun, not minding anything i left in this crowded city i live.

i like my old self. not that i hate myself today. it’s just that i miss my old self. not that i like my old self better than my new self (i have no idea whether or not i have a “new” self to start with). what i’m certain is that some things were adapted and scratched and re-adapted and re-scratched and somehow, something got lost in the process. thus, this self-absorbing, trying-to-be-nostalgic post.

i miss my fucking old self.

i miss how i didn’t mind what people think. i miss how i believed i can write. i miss  my 25-inch waistline. i miss how i managed to finish a book in a week. i miss how i was never distracted. i miss how i believed in people. i miss how i believed in Santa Claus and wishing stars. i miss collapsing in bed and going to sleep way before 9pm. i miss how my heart leaped for joy when i hear our gate opens. i miss not knowing the difference between this and that. i miss my naive but happy self. this morning, as i was passing by a red tinted car, i took a glance and checked the configurations of my face (as i always do every time i passed by any tinted car). it was okay. same nose. same eyelashes. same pimple. same wrinkle. same side-swept hair.  it was just an awkward feeling to look at someone whom i have known for 22 years. it was like i’ve known her so well that i think we’re strangers to each other.




Just Another Night Spent Amidst Thin Lines of Cigars

How to Motivate Yourself at Workplace 101

I’m on my last bits of the long weekend. Like everyone else, I think it was gone as soon as it came. Like everything in my life is at the moment.


My mother, who came to Manila to visit, almost emptied my laundry basket. I, on the other hand, have a 2-page progress on the book that is currently on my shelf. I’m expecting another hate mail from my employer any moment now. And I think I just expanded into few more pounds. I’m still broke. And broken-hearted.


I’m on a crossroad. Last year, I was on one, too. Look what we have here today.


I don’t get the point of declaring “what is” when everything is too obvious. I don’t get the point of telling something that is already there. Like my dose of sugar to tea, my metaphor in life is too scarce.

10 Things I’ve Learned in the First Quarter of 2012.

My internet connection at home is finally back! My normal body clock is also back! And my 3rd-year-college waist line, unfortunately, is also back. Anyhoo, while I welcome all these lost conventional mechanisms with open arms, I also would like to think that change is good. The thing with ‘change’ is the idea that it is forever elusive. Some things that went through the process of ‘losing and returning’ will simply never be the same again once you reunite with them at the end of the line.

And in a totally unrelated note, here are some of the things that I have come to learn so far.


I have one word: WHATEVER.

1. Jerks, assholes, (some) receptionists, and librarians may all be tied in a capsule and shipped to hell.

2. Magnum ice cream is actually good. But overrated.

3. And yes, Melona is good too. But different.

4. Some things are better off prolonged.

5. You never eat garlic pasta before a date which involves a lot of kissing.

6. Your day job is the best antidote for longing.

7. Adele has only one song that is not about heartbreaks and sadness and depression and wanting-to-slash-your-wrist because-you-were-dumped.  You only listen to it once.

8. Taking a walk to the jeepney terminal can cloud the fact that you have eaten 1000++ worth of calories for lunch.

9. When your employer starts sending you hate mails because you have been out of reach for days, you get back to him with a smiley. And then you start making up excuses and other lies.

10. Sometimes, you do not give your all. You. Just. Don’t.